On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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