My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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