I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
