Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
