capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
