just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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