all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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