i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
