I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
