I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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