I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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