last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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