were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
