Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
