my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
