I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
