It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
