Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
