New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
