I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
