what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
