yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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