mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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