Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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