Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
