Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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