yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
