I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
