Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
