I'm gonna have a badass scar
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
