I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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