You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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