I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
