found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We are two peas in an std pod
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
