I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
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I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
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Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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