So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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