Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
