Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
