What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
