you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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