I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
