The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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