how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
