There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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