I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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