we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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