Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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