Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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