Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
