I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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