I think I am morally bankrupt
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize