there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
