what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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