Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
